kaitlynjanetm

This came out of nowhere... seriously. I posted the first two on a confessions page for my school and made the next ones up just on the spot. I will try to continue this when I can think of what to write lmao.
I am still laughing so hard at this I don't know why.

9:47PM-
There was an ant on my wall. I killed that bitch, didn't even think twice.

9:54PM-
OH GOD, THE ANT I KILLED SOMEHOW SENT FOR REINFORCEMENTS. THEY'RE EVERYWHERE. I SHUT THE WINDOWS AND DOORS AND THEY KEEP COMING... OH MY GOD... I THINK THEY'RE COMING THROUGH THE CARPET SOMEHOW. THEY'RE ATTACKING ME. IT BURNNNS. PLEASE... PLEASE GOD NO - NOT MY EYES! AAAAHHHHH-

10:12PM-
Okay... I managed to escape the massive ant army in my room. I've got them trapped in there - for now. Holy shit I've never seen ants that BIG before!! And so... EVIL. THEY ARE PURE EVIL I TELL YOU. Anyway... I can't get carried away... I've got to figure out how to get rid of them... If I could just - Woah. what was that sound? No... no way that was... oh my god... ohhhh my god... how is that even possible? Holy shit!!! WHAT THE FU-

10:43PM-
I.. I think they're toying with me. There's no other way I could have made it out of there unless... this is all just a game to them. These ants... they are working together to get their sweet revenge. And... I could have sworn... I could have sworn I saw a couple of the bigger ones FUSE their bodies together into one... that must be how they're increasing in size! I only looked for a moment... and it was hard to see clearly what with all the smoke and the flames but - I'm sure I saw it. My god... they destroyed my house. My fucking house! It's all in flames...
But I know they're still alive, they planned this. And they're coming for me right now.

12:28AM-
This is insane - these ants aren't just molding together and getting bigger - they're multiplying! Several of the big ones just spit out this black liquid that formed into MORE ants... WHAT THE HELL ARE THESE THINGS?!
There must be thousands of them now. And some of them just keep fucking GROWING. But in my desperate attempt to hide from them I pathetically covered myself in some old, left over grease I found in an abandoned McDonald's restaurant, and they don't seem to like the smell very much. I think it will hold them off, at least for a little while.
Anyway, I have got to try and get some sleep. I have a feeling this isn't over yet... not even close.

So I just looked through my messages in the comments section...
I had 15 pages of comments that I probably never read before, since last August XD

So, I don't know if I should respond to them, or just delete most of them...
But if you ever sent me a comment on a picture or my profile page and I never responded -
I'M REALLY SORRY!!

Hello all you peeps out there visiting my page, which is probably like, 2 people -
HEY! YAH! I'M TALKIN TO YOU! HI! HOW'S IT GOIN??

UH - I DUNNO WHY I AM EVEN TALKING RIGHT NOW -
MUCH LESS WHY I AM TYPE-YELLING.

I HAVE ISSUES -
YAY FOR ISSUES!
As long as they don't harm anyone XD

THAT'S KIND OF ALL I HAVE TO SAY
BEING THAT I REALLY DIDN'T HAVE ANYTHING TO SAY IN THE FIRST PLACE.

HO-KAY, BYE!

I started writing a journal just to highlight some of the really awesome things that I've experienced in the last year or two, and ended up writing a freakin' essay about something else entirely. Something that I'd been struggling with for a really long time until just recently.

I'm pretty hesitant to even post this, because I don't think a lot of the friends I have now even know about it - especially my online friends, some who are a few years younger than me. I feel like what I have to say has some serious stereotypes and judgements attached to it, and I don't want my friends to think of me any differently, or somehow negatively influence anyone. But this was a pretty big issue in my life for several years, and I'm really lucky that I was able to overcome it.

So if you're interested and willing to read a long story about what used to be a pretty big part of my life, then continue reading and thanks for your interest!
I hope it doesn't change any of my friend-units' opinions of me for the worse, but I'll just have to risk it I guess.
IT SHOULDN'T THOUGH BECAUSE I AM AWESOME AND YOU LOVE ME NO MATTER WHAT.

Anyway... here it is...
DUN DUN DUNNNNN!

------------
SOMETIMES INCREDIBLE STRENGTH COMES FROM THE MOMENTS WHEN YOU ARE IN YOUR WEAKEST AND MOST VULNERABLE STATE:

I have grown and changed so much in the last several years. I'm a completely different person than I used to be, it seems. A few years ago I was pretty much a lost cause. Bad grades, bad attitude, HORRIBLE habits... I was just an overall negative person. I didn't really know who I was or what I wanted to do with my life, and I didn't see much of a future for myself.

I would spend my days literally doing nothing but sit around on my ass, watch TV, and eat, eat - EAT. I gained a ton of weight, which just made my depression worse. It also didn't help that I was drinking a lot and even doing some drugs - which was the issue that this entire journal entry has now become about. I had been experimenting with alcohol and drugs on and off for a while, but it was getting really bad and I was doing it excessively. For a while I would even say that for each day that I was sober, I spent 2 or 3 days being intoxicated.

It was a horrendous cycle. I'd get an intense craving for alcohol or whatever else, attempt to talk myself out of it, then try to convince myself it was okay and it would be fun, eventually giving in and just doing it. Then I would feel pathetic, weak, guilty and worthless.. I promised myself that this would be the last time, truly wanting to stop - until the next day, when the cycle would pretty much repeat itself in that exact order.

It got to the point to where I couldn't even believe myself anymore. One minute I would really want to get clean and get my life back on track, and the next I wouldn't care what happened to me as long as I could get another fix. In my mind it was literally like the devil and angel on my shoulders, arguing back and forth over what to do and I couldn't get them to shut the hell up.

I've thought about this a lot, trying to figure out why I kept doing this even when I hated it at times and I knew how bad it was and how negatively it was affecting my life. I've never found a single, direct cause or reason for it. I do know that I have always had an addictive personality and I've always been extremely impulsive. I don't think I was ever physically addicted, but I was definitely mentally hooked on being intoxicated. I think my depression, ADD, and anxiety had a lot to do with it, and it was almost like I was afraid of being sober. It really was an 'escape,' and a way for me to calm my mind (or numb it, basically).

I also believe that I did these crazy things over and over because I just wasn't doing anything else. I know, I know - that sounds pretty lame, but I think it's true. I either wasn't in school or was only taking a couple of classes, I wasn't hanging out with friends, which wasn't always necessarily a bad thing, but I was by myself a lot and had a lot of free time on my hands. I wasn't really ever leaving the house, and I wasn't working on any art or any kind of projects. I was just kind of there, barely functioning, just going through the basic motions. It's not that I COULDN'T do any of those things - it's that I just didn't want to, and I had no energy or motivation to do ANYTHING - except for sit around and drink, take pills, and smoke cigarettes.

In fact, it's actually all I really knew. I didn't know how to have fun without alcohol or drugs anymore - I had been experimenting with them on and off since I was 16, and all my friends that I would spend most of my time with were doing it, too. I'm not saying that I was pressured into it or that it was their fault - not at all. It was 'the thing to do' when we would get together and to be honest, I enjoyed it. I went out of my way just to make sure that there would be SOMETHING I could get my hands on. Going to the park? Better get some alcohol. Staying over at a friends house? Get at least enough to last the night. Having a party? Better make sure there's plenty of everything to go around for everyone!

So that's what I grew up with. That's how I came to believe that it was perfectly normal and that "everyone" was doing it. Most of the people I knew were doing it, and they were doing it A LOT. The difference between them and me was that they could generally control when, how much, and how often they did it. I couldn't. Of course, this is one of the main characteristics about addiction that a lot of people who've never experienced it can't understand: Why don't they just stop? It's that easy. They can control it, and they can stop, but they choose not to.

Well, I both agree and disagree with that statement. Yes, it is true that in the end, it is a CHOICE to keep drinking or continue using drugs. No one is restraining them and forcing it down their throat, they are doing it themselves.
But what so many people don't understand is that an addiction LITERALLY changes the way a person's brain functions and alters the way they think and act. It takes over your mind and can even change who you are, in a way. It destroys your morals and critical thinking, and - usually sooner rather than later - all you can think about and all you care about is when, where, and how you are going to get more drugs and/or alcohol. Money doesn't matter, the law doesn't matter, heck - sometimes FAMILY doesn't even matter as much to you anymore.
I can't even think about the things I've done to my family in the past and the pain I caused without feeling sick to my stomach. I can't believe that I could have ever been so selfish and hurtful. That just wasn't me - at least not the kind of person I wanted to be or the person I am now.

For a long time, I had no hope that I could ever overcome this mental addiction and dependency that I had to the alcohol and drugs. I had tried therapy, AA/NA meetings, even some other programs, and sometimes they did help and I did stop - but it was only temporary. I would eventually use again and end up right back where I was or even worse. I'm damn lucky that I never ended up homeless or in prison - or dead on the side of the road. I definitely believe that there was someone or something watching over me, and protecting me.

Within the past year I still drank and used every now and then. I was never completely sober for a relatively long period of time. I still thought that I could LEARN to control my cravings, to train myself to be able to function in life and still use occasionally. I KNEW that was absurd, but a big part of me didn't want to give up drinking and using forever, and I didn't think that I really could ever stop completely. In a sick and twisted way, my addiction was comforting, and it was what I had been used to for a long time.

ANYWAY - here's where my dull and depressing story starts to change:

Near the end of 2010, I found my passion for art again, which was never completely lost but definitely forgotten. I started drawing characters from my favorite shows and even tried to design my own characters, something I hadn't really done since middle school (2003). I began to feel the way I did when I was younger: Creative, inspired, alert -
Happy.
Not fake happy, not drunk happy, but truly and soberly happy.
And I hadn't experienced that feeling in a long time. It felt incredible.

It still took me a while to officially kick all the bad habits I had been so used to for so long, but I finally did - for GOOD this time. It's been about 5 months since I last drank, and this is the longest I have completely refrained from ANY kind of drug (okay, okay, except for caffeine ) in quite a while. I never want to go back.
I haven't been this confident, happy, and sure of myself in YEARS. My life has basically done a complete 180: I'm doing well in school, I've lost about 40 pounds and am still working on losing more, I know more of who I am, and I have such a better and brighter outlook on life now.

There are so many things that have helped me get to where I am now, but I think one of the main ones is my art, even if it's just fan art or a crappy doodle of something. Art gives me a purpose, and it inspires me to keep working towards bettering myself and focusing on my future.

My family and their love and support is also a HUGE reason why I'm not only clean today, but that I am even still alive today! I don't think I can ever thank them enough for everything they have done for me, nor would I be able to accurately describe just how grateful I am that I have them in my life.

And hot damn, this is quickly becoming an ultra-cheesy-super-sappy happy ending to a sad and depressing tale of my past life.
I kind of ran out of things to say about 3 paragraphs ago, but I'm not sure how to end this, so I just keep pushing it and trying to come up with something that will work for an ending to this post.

For those of you (if any) who actually read this entire thing, thank you!!
I'm sort of nervous about this entire entry... I don't know what people will think. Hopefully it wasn't too bad of a read and hopefully you don't all hate me now! WOO!

-KAiTLYNjane

Ever thought of what you would look like as an avatar from the movie?
I can make you one! If you send me a picture of yourself (preferably high resolution and not straight off the internet) I will edit it to make you an avatar!

I'll be charging $5 at first, but if that doesn't work for you we can try to figure something else out

I have 2 finished so far. One of me and another of my friend. They are in my gallery if you want to see what they look like